I feel it necessary to address the topic of fear especially in this global crisis we are facing with Covid19.
This is not addressing anything about the virus – but a way to inspire you to see that we choose a life of faith or fear and we get to choose how we go forward.
Something on Fear
Fact: You are born UNAFRAID
I will never forget my 18 hour long birth, no doctors, everyone still on holiday. My baby ready to enter this world.
My husband had to demand an anaesthetist to assist who trawled in 10 hours into my labour. My daughter was vacuumed, pushed and prodded and after an emergency Caesar she was born blue and not breathing.
This little 2.65kg baby, fought to be here, she was strapped to machines and drips and all kinds of scary things in the first week of her life. Her first exposure to this world was to a clinical hospital room with no knowledge of what was happening. The hardest part for me was having to leave my baby for observation and now go home with her in my arms. She developed Jaundice and had to stay on even further.
As a new mum, every fantasy of bringing my daughter home and with the perfect outfit and video and flowers and champagne – it didn’t happen. Instead I was riddled with stress, my body swollen and severely affected with post traumatic stress.
She came home on day 5 and we had to have a nurse to monitor her for another 5 days. During this time she had to sleep in a jaundice bed with straps – it was so hot and it was the middle of our summer.
I was determined to bond with my baby and breastfed her every chance I could, from Day 2 in Neo Natal ICU and throughout her treatment. She loved it. Hated the dummy / bottle and I knew this was my chance to bond with this amazing gift from heaven.
All I know is that Eden fought to be here, she will never remember how she fought to be here, but I will. What her resilience and courage taught me in my 30th year of life was that WE ARE TRULY BORN UNAFRAID. Our reality, our experiences and what we believe places fear within us. If my little girl fought fearlessly from day 1, I could fight fearlessly to conquer my fears and be the brave mum she needs.
That’s my promise to you my Eden. To be fearlessly all I can be, and on days I feel that I cant – I will always try to lean into my greatest reality in life – is that my faith is the only thing that grounds me and helps me achieve peace no matter how dull the world may be right now.
Wow, we are heading into another decade, it sounds massive, so solid, so expectant.
So many things have happened in this past year, let alone the past 10,right?
At the end of the year I love to reflect, take stock and give thanks. To see where I can grow and be open to endless opportunities that await us.
I want to encourage you and want you to pat yourself on the back for all you have achieved in the past 10 years.
This past decade particularly has been quite iconic for me – I was 22 now turning 32 in a few days. I started my adult life in a big city, hundreds of kilometres away from my home. I have learnt that you can only prepare so much for life – you can study hard, be good, do good, go to church, forgive, mess up, learn, repeat the mess up, learn a harder lesson – eat loads, love loads, meet tons of people, battle the flu and other illnesses in between life, work, love and studies.
Don’t forget leaning about finances and dangerous creepy people. I have bought way too many sale items that when I think about it, I didn’t really like but thought it was amazing that I saved money, but in actual fact I really could have owned a luxury wardrobe by now if I put things into perspective.
I spent way too much on time on what others thought.
I did not speak up enough.
I did not ask questions.
I let people get away with disrespecting me.
I did not know how to handle emotion.
I was chaotic, but in a cute way. Almost too sweet that anyone could believe I had a temper. But that’s the thing – we all do.
I supressed true feeling and did know how to process.
I hid myself in clothes, shoes, eating and trying to be the perfect person.
I expected others to make me happy and pick up the pieces around me.
I blamed so many people for my unhappiness and the joy that was stolen through the turmoil of my 20’s.
But then, I realised.. the only person that can change all of this was me.
2016 was a turnasround for me – the transition of knowing that this was not all life in store for me.
So here are the 20 things that I am proud of and you should also consider making a list for yourself too, so you can remember the good things amongst all the hell.
I always show up
I am professional, polite and had an incredible work ethic
I became a homeowner at 24
I battled sickness and toxic relationships and pushed through
I set boundaries
I continue to pray
I list the things I am grateful for everyday
I helped people through their difficulties
I am a good wife (most of the time)
A reliable and trustworthy friend
I am a devoted daughter / sister / granddaughter
I am creative
I am allowed to laugh and be funny and actually I am a funny person
I am incredibly intelligent
I am confidently humble and kind
I see the good in people and situations
I am dedicated to making my world a better place
I am fit and healthy and have healed most of my illnesses through, eating more mindfully, letting go of negative energy and conserving my time
I am an amazing, brave and involved mummy!
Now list your 20 things!
Remember good always happens amongst the bad – this is life. It’s how we reflect and the power we give the bad over the good that determines our freedom and growth.
Now I understand the saying “Faith like potatoes” There are times in your life that you have to literally be brought to the end or what you think may be the end before a type of strength wells up within you and then a miracle happens before your eyes. This is a place only God can dwell – where there is light and hope and courage, a work being done that we don’t understand but by just believing in the things we can’t see, miracles unfold before us.
2018 was already going to be a life changing year because we were expecting our first baby.
I had it all planned out from the beginning, I guess that’s human nature right?– how I was going to give birth, how I was going to lose my postpartum weight, how I was going to spend my days with my new baby… But what happens if things don’t go according to plan?
My pregnancy was overall healthy and I pushed myself to be fit, strong and engaged at every milestone. I accepted my body changes and I pushed myself to prepare a perfect environment in my tummy for my baby to grow.
It was an amazing journey to see this little life grow inside me and know that I was soon going to be a mom – a time that I have been waiting for my whole life.
I went into labour on the 5th of January 2018 at 3.30 pm – a very hot and humid Friday evening. We made our way to the hospital by 7pm and knew this was it – our baby girl was on the way.
I knew from the very beginning that I wanted to have a natural birth. I drew my courage and certainty on this decision from the fact we were designed to do this from the beginning of time and secondly that I came from a lineage of strong and determined woman where my gran had 4 natural births and my Mom had us three girls with no pain relief and pushed us out with sheer will, love and determination.
I was in labour for 18 hours! My husband held my hand and helped me breathe through each contraction. Being the holiday period, there were no anesthetists available and by midnight I reached 5cm without pain medication. We were told by the nurses that there may not be anyone who could administer an epidural for me. After laboring for 12 hours with breathing, back rubs and hot water baths, I was finally relieved with an epidural at 3.30 am. I was ready to push my baby out at 9am -10 cm dilated. I brushed my hair and refreshed my face because I knew that my baby would be entering the world at any moment, ooooh I couldn’t wait. My husband and I squeezed each others hands and were just so excited at this point, despite the exhaustion of the hours that passed. I was most looking forward to seeing her face, looking into her eyes, holding her in my arms and having skin on skin contact with her when she was born.
Another 2 hours slipped by and I wasn’t able to deliver naturally – the doctor said that I tried my best even with assistance with a vacuum the baby was stuck. I was given 5 minutes from that point to push one last time and then rush off for an emergency C- section.
My contractions were 30 seconds apart and my epidural was turned off before we tried for the delivery. I was in agony and had a c-section 40 minutes later. In that grueling time between the pain, the chaos of getting the medical staff around me on a Saturday morning, I started to slip further and further away and told my husband that I feel myself slipping away.
He was strong for us – held my hand and kept encouraging me. Moments before I was entered theatre, between my screams of pain we said the Lord’s prayer. At that time the anesthetist arrived and we were ready for my spinal block – So at this point I had had an epidural, attempted a natural delivery for almost 2 hours, received assistance with the vacuum and finally had to go through the spinal block because my epidural at that stage had worn off. (the nurses were saying that I had it all – every type of birth process)
Every second from this point was crucial and the baby needed to be pushed back into my uterus and out of the birth canal, the gynae had trouble finding her.
They finally got her out and I remember asking the doctor of the baby is okay – she said “We hope so”. The baby was limp, lifeless and silent when she got out. The pediatrician tried to resuscitate her. What seemed like an eternity we thought we had entered our worst nightmare where our little girl didn’t make it. After many attempts of oxygen been pumped into her lungs we heard a small cry! She made it!! It didn’t quite hit me at that stage this little perfect being, a fighter, survivor was mine This was the most amazing sound that I have ever heard in my life. I thought I would be able to hold her but she was rushed to the Neonatal ICU.
I was delirious, numb with pain, not knowing what just happened. I passed out and woke up in my ward an hour later. I opened my eyes and saw my mom beside me. She said that my baby is being attended to in ICU and we still need to hear from the doctors about how she is doing, my husband was in the ICU with her. The doctors explained to us that the baby had lost oxygen when she was born and she needed to be monitored and tested for any sign of neurological dysfunction. Receiving this news was so scary and seeing my baby go this was the next step in my birth journey – all we could do was be strong and believe in the best outcome for her development and health.
I saw her for the first time at 6pm that evening. She was strapped to machines and had drips and cords running through her tiny body – I was not allowed to carry her – everything felt so disjointed and the sequence of events to that point was a rigmarole of emotions.
We named her Eden Leia. It’s symbolic of God’s promise to us. A paradise of things to come – She is our delight, our heavenly child. God has blessed us so abundantly in this time. Eden’s tests have come back all clear – she has passed all cranium scans and apgar scores. She has fought through the 5 days of ICU and is still fighting now as she is receiving phototherapy for jaundice which is common in traumatic birth cases.
Eden’s courage, tenacity and feisty spirit in her very first hours of life has taught me that things will come our way that we don’t expect, that we don’t have time to plan for or make sense of. It’s in times like these that all we can do is fight and persevere and know that life has beauty in it through every day we have, no matter how hard it is.
We cannot wait to just love on our little miracle and start living as a family. Eden’s birth story has given me a new lease on life and everytime I look at my baby girl I am reminded of God’s unfailing promise to us that he will never forsake us. He has got our backs in ways we don’t even realise – just dig down deep and have ‘faith like potatoes’
"That’s what faith is–believing without seeing, knowing something is happening on a level that you can’t see–not needing to see it to know God is handling it for you. You believe in your heart and just trust somewhere “potatoes” are growing just for you" - Nina Amir
Everyday is a step closer to fulfilling your dreams.
That sounds a bit airy fairy, right?!
When we talk about pursuing happiness. Making our dreams come true or following a path to find our passion, others may scoff at us thinking we are living in a false sense of reality or yes a “dreamland”. Dreaming is often considered childlike and too whimsical for us adults to do because life is hard as it what is …we just have to get on with what we need to make this life work.
The sad reality is that living with no hope or passion leads to a sad and depressed life. Yes we do have to just get on each day but it does not always have to be a drag.
We do have to make a living and make ends meet. We do have to wake up each day and get into the routine of chores, work, home, deadlines, difficult relationships, hardships, health challenges, loss, grief, anxiety – Life can be one hard, disappointing, monotonous and dull event after the other.
The powerful truth is that we have the ability to change our approach to life’s hardships and monotony. The way to do this is by realising that we have the power to change our mindset and most of all our heartset to life and what it gives us.
I have figured out that one of the most effective ways to do this is to start the day by claiming and noticing all the good things in your life (even though you may not be able to see it immediately) start with small things – Make a list of these things.
By being mindful of all the good things in your life and the wonderful things around you – you start appreciating life instead of just existing in it. You will see that by having a sense of gratitude and living with eyes open to blessings that have come your way will bring with it elements of joy and calm in your day that relaxes you and will spike your happiness.
Being a dreamer should come naturally to us, we were designed this way… to have a child-like sense of curiosity and wonder. To look at each day as an opportunity, but life has a sneaky way of dwindling this ability.
All I can say is that if you don’t have a dream in your heart life is always harder. Start small and finally you will dream big! Your dreams are your little seeds of magic that you can sow into your life that will start to transform the amount of fun and satisfaction you have. We all have the power to change the course of our life – one dreams and belief at a time! Make it, shape it and believe in it.
Oprah said that “The biggest adventure you can have is to live the life of your dreams”. I sure do want to have some great adventures, how about you?